I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
