hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
this just has baby written all over it
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
