the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
