Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
