i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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