Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
