mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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