she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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