after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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