i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
