sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
This gyro tastes like lonliness
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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