i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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