He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
