Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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