Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
