I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
