I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
