My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
