I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
