Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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