found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
