I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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