I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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