I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
