Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize