Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
