the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
