I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
