Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
