Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
it's not cheating when I paid for it
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
