this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
