I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
