I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
