Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
