I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We are all done wearing pants today
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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