Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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