i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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