I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The beer is more important than you right now.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
