Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
