Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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