sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
