if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
