If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
