I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I need moral support for this bender
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
