he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
