She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
