I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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