Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
