Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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