East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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