I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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