this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
