So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
