dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
it was like eating out sand paper
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
